Writing: Revising Claim and Focus
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 5.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISING CLAIM AND FOCUSUnless otherwise noted, this work is licensed under CC BY 4.0. Credit: “Writing: Revising Claim and Focus,” OER Project, https://www.oerproject.com/1PurposeDeepen your understanding of the elements of good writing by focusing onthe Claim and Focusrow of the OER ProjectWriting Rubric. You’ll analyze a sample student essayfor its major claim and focus, and thenrevisethoseelements. Revising someone else’s claim will help you advance yourownclaim-making skills so you can generate well-crafted thesis statements and claims.Process1.Review the Claimand Focusportion of the OER Project Writing Rubricbelow. These are the elements you should look for when you review the sample essay.Make a fully developed claim that is historically defensible and responds to the assignment.Establish a strong line of reasoning and maintain a precise focus on defending the described claim.Develop the claim and counterclaims while thoroughly addressing the demands of the prompt.Make a fully developed claim that is historically defensible and responds to the assignment.Establish a strong line of reasoning and maintain a precise focus on defending the described claim.2.As you read the sample student essay on the next page,make sure you:•Circle the major claim/thesis statement in the essay.•Underlineanywhere you find focus in the essay.•Pick two areas of focus to revise. Put a star ( ★) next to the text you will revise. •Highlightone counterclaim in the article.
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 5.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISING CLAIM AND FOCUS2Essay prompt: Compare the similarities and differences between early Chinese philosophies about how a state should be ruled.Student sample essay:Various political philosophies arose in early imperial China in response to questions regarding the best way to rule a state. Among the most popular of these political philosophies were Daoism, Confucianism, Buddhism, and Legalism. Although each at one point played a prominent role in the governance of the early Chinese state, they were all very different. Daoist philosopher Laozi argues that limited government intervention in public affairs will result in a more stable and peaceful state. Increased enforcement of laws and rules will be seen by subjects as a form of “prying and meddling,” leading to an increase in “infraction[s] of the law” (Document 1). The concepts of freedom and independence are important to the Daoist political philosophy, as is evidenced in Document 5. When asked if he would accept a government position in the kingdom of Chu, Master Zhuang scoffs at the state officials sent to retrieve him, telling them to leave. A government position would likely leave him trapped, stuck in an “ancestral temple...preserved as an object of worship,” rather than free like the tortoise was when it was alive, “dragging [his] tail through the mud” (Document 5).Legalist thinker Li Si disagrees with the philosophy of Laozi, arguing that an authoritarian government is important to ensuring that the public remain disciplined and that social order is maintained. He asserts that even the slightest of infractions should be met with “heavy punishment” so that the public is not tempted to violate state law out of fear of what “will be done against a [more] serious offense” (Document 3). The concept of civil obedience is important to Li Si’s Legalist political philosophy, and he is steadfast in his opinion that the Chinese emperor should prohibit all texts regarding other political schools of thought.Confucianism argues that a strong government involved in state affairs is necessary to ruling a large population. Additionally, as is stated in Document 2 he states that “He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 5.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISING CLAIM AND FOCUS3compared to the north polar star” (Document 2). Just as all other stars face and support the north star, a leader who rules with virtue will have the support of his subjects.Buddhist monk and philosopher Huiyuan does not explicitly agree or disagree with the Daoist, Legalist, or Confucian perspectives. Instead, he acknowledges the existence of government in early imperial China but argues that Buddhist monks should be separatefrom it. Additionally, Huiyuan diminishes the traditional virtuous and all-powerful image of a ruler, highlighting the inability of kings and princes to extend life or take away one’s sorrows.Each of the political philosophies that arose in early imperial China argues that a different form of government is best.
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 5.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISING CLAIM AND FOCUS43.Look back at the claim you circled. Revise the major claim and write your revision in the space below.Revised claim:4.Look back at the two areas of focus you placed a star next to,and revise them below:Revised focus 1:Revised focus 2: