Writing: Revising Organization and Language/Style
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITY WRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLEUnless otherwise noted, this work is licensed under CC BY 4.0. Credit: “Writing: Revising Organization and Language”, OER Project, https://www.oerproject.com/1PurposeFocus on the Organization and Language/Style rowsof the OER Project Writing Rubric to strengthen your understanding of strong writing. Suggesting revisions to a sample studentessay to improve its organization and language/style will help you improve your own historical writing skills.Process1.Review the Organization and Language/Styleportionsof the OER Project Writing Rubric(you can find this portion of the rubric on page4). These are the elements you should look for when you review the sample essay. 2.As you read the sample student essay on the next page,make sure you:•Circle the major claim in the paper.•Look for any issues with language and style,and underlinethe areas that could be improved.•Pick two of the issues you underlined,and write your suggested corrections in the marginsof the essay. Only one of these can be a spelling error.•Look for any issues with organization in the essay,and highlightareas that could be improved.•Pick two of the issues you highlighted,and write your suggested corrections in the marginsof the essay.
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE2Essay prompt: How effective were responses to colonial rule between 1850 and 1900 CE?Student sample essay:After the success of the revolutions of the long 19th century, more colonies around the world fought for cultural and political liberty. Colonies in countries like India, Vietnam, and the Asante Empire (modern-day Ghana), utilizing their own methods of rebellion that led to varying degrees of success, were only some of the countries that set their sights on independence during the mid to late 19th century. While peaceful and aggressive resistance and the involvement of respected political leaders were at times ineffective in rallying all indigenous people and producing immediate success, these responses had a strong enough affect to attract the attention of the world and force their colonial rulers to take their resistance seriously.The heir to the Mughal throne pleads with Indians to join the freedom fighters, promising to pay foot soldiers twice the amount of the British and threatening those who remain loyal to the British to have their estates confiscated and their entire familiesimprisoned and put to death (Document1) and this heir, an important political figure whose words would have carried a significant amount of weight, used the rhetorical tactic of reminding Indians about all the British had taken away and all that they hadto regain. But despite these efforts, many Indians remained in their British ranks, gaining the title of “martial races”—a title that supposedly gave them more power and autonomy despite their race. Therefore, while efforts like these were able to unite enough Indians to start an uprising, they were not effective enough in getting all Indians to give up what the British offered them. Similarly, the people of Vietnam have also been pulled apart between their country and French colonial rule. In the 1890s two Vietnamese scholars, one fighting for the French and the other for the resistance (Document7). Responses to colonial rule were not holey effective in terms of uniting all indigenous people against their foreign rulers.However, the resistors were effective enough to cause severe backlash from they’re colonial rulers. Document 3 shows a photo from 1879 in which British artillerymen stand with the first modern-day machine guns, ready to “threaten or massacre peaceful protestors” or to be used against resistance fighters. Had the efforts of these protestors and resistance fighters completely fallen short, then the British army wouldn’t have had to take there tactics to such a violent degree. Throughout history, colonial powers have often underestimated indigenous retaliation. But the British clearly understood this type of resistance to be a threat to their colonies and worried them enough for them to take this threat seriously with
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE3strong weapons that would not have been widely available back then in the past around that time. Additionally, the resistors were also effective enough to grab the attention of the world.As political leaders like Yaa Asantewaa, the queen mother of the Asante Empire (modern-day Ghana) spoke out against colonialism and called it “womanly” for the men of the Asante Empire not to fight back in Document 4, the rest of the world took notice of these types of resistance movements. For example, Karl Marx and Jabez Sunderland wrote articles about colonialism. Not only did the resistors catch the attention of countries around the world, but they also managed to cultivate supporters like Sunderland.Although the resistors may not have been successful in rallying all indigenous people and finding immediate success, they did manage to attract the attention of the world and force their colonial powers to see them as a threat. Throughout history, progresshas not always come easily, and it has not always arrived all at once. Society often takes small steps forward and even backward before its efforts are reworded.
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE43.Score the essay on each row of the Organization and Language/Style rubricbelow. Then summarize the recommendation you would provide this student for improving both areas of their writing. ExemplaryProficientDevelopingNot PresentOrganizationPresent ideas in a structure that supports reader understanding of your claim and reasoning:Order the source evidence and explanations in a way that reinforces your argument.Explain how the evidence and reasoning connects and supports the claim.Craft a strong introduction and conclusion.Include clear transitions between each subtopic and section to show the connections among the ideas.Summarize: How should this student revise their organization?
WORLD HISTORY PROJECTORIGINS/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE5Language/StyleSelect words intentionally to communicate ideas clearly, and:•Further your reader’s understanding of your claim and the argument you are making.•Convince your reader of the validity of your stance and claim.•Convey your knowledge about the topic.Usesentencestructurestypical inhistorical writing andvary them to:•Show connections among your ideas, claim, and evidence.•Convey your expertise.•Help the reader understand the claim and see the validity and follow your argument across your essay.Use formal writing structures and language.Use the conventions of the English language so that errors don’t interfere with the reader’s understanding.Summarize: How should this student revise their language and style?