Writing: Revising Organization and Language/Style
WORLD HISTORY PROJECT1750/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLEUnless otherwise noted, this work is licensed under CC BY 4.0. Credit: “Writing: Revising Organization and Language”, OER Project, https://www.oerproject.com/1PurposeFocus on the Organization and Language/Style rowsof the OER Project Writing Rubric to strengthen your understanding of strong writing. Suggesting revisions to a sample studentessay to improve its organization and language/style will help you improve your own historical writing skills.Process1.Review the Organization and Language/Style portions of the OER Project Writing Rubric(you can find this portion of the rubric on page 4). These are the elements you should look for when you review the sample essay. 2.As you read the sample student essay on the next page, make sure you:•Circle the major claim in the paper.•Look for any issues with language and style,and underlinethe areas that could be improved.•Pick two of the issues you underlined,and write your suggested corrections in the marginsof the essay. Only one of these can be a spelling error.•Look for any issues with organization in the essay,and highlightareas that could be improved.•Pick two of the issues you highlighted,and write your suggested corrections in the marginsof the essay.
WORLD HISTORY PROJECT1750/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE2Essay prompt: What were the most significant causes of the First World War?Student sample essay:World War I caused millions of deaths, worsened tensions between countries, and left Europeans with a pessimistic outlook on life. With the Triple Intent on one side and the Triple Alliance on the other, all armed with new technological weapons, the war became more deadly and destructive than any other war before it. This war left such an unforgettable mark on the world, in fact, that historians have studied and debated its origins relentlessly. Therefore, World War I originated from the assassination of Archduke FranzFerdinand, underlying global trends, and a lack of affective diplomacy.Serbian nationalists wanted independence from the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Doc 7 says, “The execution of an attempt on the Archduke’s life was a frequent topic of conversation in the circle in which Princip and Cabrinovic moved, because the Archduke was considered to be a dangerous enemy of the Serbian people.” Having an impurtant figure of the Austria-Hungary empire assassinated by members of another country is an easy wayto prevoke hostility between countries and tensions throughout Europe. Specifically,more and more countries was pulled in and involved themselves with the war; Germany, for example, agreed to defend Austria-Hungary if they were attacked, thus making themselves part of the conflict (Doc.5). The First World War stemmed from the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Not long before WWI began a group of Serbian nationalists killed the Archduke in Sarajevo on June 28th, 1914.In addition to the assassination of the Archduke, the underlying global trends of this period also contributed to the start of WWI. For example, Europe established a system of alliances, with Britain, Russia, and France on one side, and Germany, Austria-Hungary, and Italy on the other. Doc. 5 states, “If one, or two, of the High Contracting Parties, without direct provocation on their part, should chance to be attacked and to be engaged in a war with two or more Great Powers non-signatory to the present Treaty, the casus foederis [case for the alliance] will arise simultaneously for all the High Contracting Parties ...” This shows that while these alliances were meantto promote peace, it ultimately meant that any conflict between two countries could become larger because their allies were dragged into it. The alliance system essentially set up a domino effect of conflicts and war, which is the main reason WWI involved as many nations as it did. Lastly, coupled with the problems of the allaince system, a growing sense of nationalism also paved the road for war to break out.
WORLD HISTORY PROJECT1750/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE3For instance, in a 1911 speech British chancellor of the exchequer David Lloyd Georg says, “Britain should at all hazards maintain her place and her prestige amongst the Great Powers of the world.” Nationalism established pride and loylty to your own country above all others, driving nations and their citizens to fight for themselves and their fellow Brits, Germans, or French at all costs and on top of that, the rise of extreme ideology like SocialDarwinism increased nationalist sentiment and created a justification for entering a violent conflict against others. In Doc. 1, Professor Karl Pearson says, “If the national spirit takes the form of a strong feeling of the importance of organizing the nation as a whole, of making its social and economic conditions such that it is able to do its work in the world and meet its fellows without hesitation in the [battle] field and in the market, then it seems to me a wholly good spirit.” These ideologies justified killing “inferior races” in defense of national interests. Lastly, imperialism drove conflict between countries. Pearson describes keeping up a well-functioning country, “chiefly by way of war with inferior races, and with equal races by the struggle for trade-routes and for the sources of raw material and offood supply.”While new technologies such as improved communication systems might have helped to decrease tensions between nations, traditional diplomatic rules coupled with the ability to move troops more quickly toward war meant that war became the only way forward. The assassination of the Archduke was certainly the triggering event for the war, there were other underlying global trends at play as well. These included the alliance system and underdeveloped diplomatic systems. As a result, one of history’s most deadly wars was initiated.
WORLD HISTORY PROJECT1750/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE43.Score the essay on each row of the Organization and Language/Style rubricbelow. Then summarize the recommendation you would provide this student for improving both areas of their writing. ExemplaryProficientDevelopingNot PresentOrganizationPresent ideas in a structure that supports reader understanding of your claim and reasoning:Order the source evidence and explanations in a way that reinforces your argument.Explain how the evidence and reasoning connects and supports the claim.Craft a strong introduction and conclusion.Include clear transitions between each subtopic and section to show the connections among the ideas.Summarize: How should this student revise their organization?
WORLD HISTORY PROJECT1750/ LESSON 7.1ACTIVITYWRITING: REVISINGORGANIZATION AND LANGUAGE/STYLE5Language/StyleSelect words intentionally to communicate ideas clearly, and:•Further your reader’s understanding of your claim and the argument you are making.•Convince your reader of the validity of your stance and claim.•Convey your knowledge about the topic.Usesentencestructurestypical inhistorical writing andvary them to:•Show connections among your ideas, claim, and evidence.•Convey your expertise.•Help the reader understand the claim and see the validity and follow your argument across your essay.Use formal writing structures and language.Use the conventions of the English language so that errors don’t interfere with the reader’s understanding.Summarize: How should this student revise their language and style?